Please be our miracle

I don't know what to think right now. I certainly don't know what to write.

The odds just seem so stacked against our little boy being OK.

I've been doing some reading online - please DON'T tell me not to google... if you were told your child potentially had a fatal or life limited condition, you'd do the same... I need to try to understand what is happening - and it seems to alternately lift me up and knock me down. I read success stories of babies born after IUGR and low fluid (albeit tiny and early)... then I read things like the symptoms of triploidy (which is incompatible with life) where the most common ultrasound markers are IUGR, low fluid and 2 vessel cord.

People say "try to enjoy your pregnancy", but honestly, that is FAR easier said than done. ENJOY being in a situation where I don't know if my child is going to live or die? Or if he does live, how badly he might be affected by whatever condition it is he may have? It's not that simple. This pregnancy has been nothing but stressful. Imagine being told you have a high chance of stillbirth... and then imagine how you feel every time your baby doesn't move inside you for a few hours. This is absolute HELL.

I am struggling a lot with jealousy. I hate feeling this way. I am not normally a jealous person... I am an eternal optimist and usually very happy with my lot in life. But now I see people with 2 healthy children, or people with pregnancies that have very few bumps in the road, and all I can think is "Why us?" Why my little boy? Why does almost everyone have a smooth pregnancy with no more worries than whether they'll get past 12 weeks OK or how to cope with morning sickness, but I have one that is absolutely fraught with worries?

There is a chance little Starbaby will be perfectly OK, bar talipes. Right now, talipes seems like a DODDLE compared to the other issues we may be facing. At least if we're taking him to hospital for weekly casting appointments then that means he is alive and has made it through pregnancy safely!

People tell me I'll love my little boy, no matter what... and of course I will. But my next thought is "but will he even survive for us to get to know each other?" What if he is diagnosed with a condition that leaves him terribly disabled and with a very short lifespan? How on earth will that affect our family? How will that affect Big Sis?

Big Sis talks about Starbaby a lot. I mean, a LOT. She's talked about him even more since everything kicked off on Wednesday, totally unprompted."I'd like to share my bedroom with Starbaby when he's born", "I'm saving my clothes from when I was little so Starbaby can wear them" (not sure what he's going to make of the pink spotty socks ;)), "I'm going to have a little brother!" and last night "I hope that Starbaby grows bigger and bigger in your tummy... I'm keeping my fingers crossed." How on earth would she cope if we lost him? 

We've waited so long for this little boy... nearly 2 years of trying to conceive, 2 miscarriages, all that stress with the subchorionic haematoma until 14 weeks pregnant. Why can things not go smoothly now?!

Of course, I'm wondering if there's a link between Starbaby's possible 'differences' and my miscarriages. Was Big Sis just 'the one that got through' and I'm destined to struggle repeatedly to carry a healthy baby to term?

Please don't tell me to stay strong... I can't always be strong. Please don't tell me to stay positive... I'm trying my damndest but it's bloody hard when faced with all this adversity.

Statistics do NOT help me. Yes, I know that only a small % of pregnancies have a triploidy or trisomy disorder. But that doesn't comfort me in the slightest. Two of our miscarriages have been when we had a theoretical risk of only 5%, I had a 1% chance of a subchorionic haematoma, a 0.1% chance of talipes and a 1% chance of a single umbilical artery. Yet we have had ALL of those things. You can see why I find no reassurance in statistics whatsoever. 

My little boy. It's just not fair. Please be OK. Please be our miracle.