Soul Searching

I didn't feel great yesterday, as tends to be the case after scans with Starbaby. I overanalyse the measurements, plot graphs, google, think far too much about the negatives and get pulled into a pessimistic mindset rather than looking at the many positives, staying tuned in to my instincts and listening to them. I'm already starting to feel better today. I was dwelling on Starbaby's tiny tummy measurement (it came up around 1st centile)... instead of focusing on the important thing which was that his cord blood flow was fab (and also remembering how inaccurate later scans are anyway). If he was small and there was a reduction in blood flow or reverse flow then that would be a concern, but the fact that his cord blood flow has always been good, and he's never measured huge (although yesterday's tummy measurement was low even compared to his previous ones) implies that this is just normal growth for him. I know from Big Sis that I don't grow big babies (7.5lb at 42.5w).

I have been very impressed with the consultant I see. When I say that she was 'supportive' of our homebirth plans, I don't necessarily mean that she was 'jumping about in joy', but she was totally of the belief that it was my choice and definitely seemed to see I was making this choice for the right reasons. There was no 'scare tactics' or negativity, just the understanding I was making an informed decision and support for my choice. At no time did she even imply it wasn't a safe choice. She said they usually recommend people who've been seen in the fetal medicine unit give birth in the hospital, but in the next breath she was saying that was a 'one size fits all' type recommendation and not because everyone who's had appointments there needs to have their baby in hospital - just so 'just in case' they had easy access to a paedeatrician afterwards. If we feel there any need for us to be in hospital, we will transfer in - we're barely 10 minutes away in an ambulance.

Homebirth is definitely a very unusual choice for people who've been seen at the fetal medicine unit... when you consider only about 1 in 50 people plan a homebirth and only about 1 in 50 people have issues picked up at their 20 week scans, we're talking only 1 in 2500 people they see might even think about having a homebirth. So a pretty tiny number and I am probably the first in a long long time. I hate that I'm planning another homebirth 'against the norm' - I was hoping this pregnancy things would be smooth and easy and enjoyable and there'd not even be any discussion as to whether home was 'best' for our baby's birth - but I feel that I am making this choice for the right reasons. Starbaby is at the centre of my thoughts all the time. I feel that I am doing the sensible thing... planning to stay in an environment where I will be calm and comfortable (and therefore my baby is more likely to be too) if everything is looking fine, and moving to hospital if there are any concerns whatsoever. I don't want to go into Starbaby's birth thinking only about 'worst case scenarios' because... well, it's that sort of mindset that can lead to problems and the odds of ending up in a worst case scenario are still very very slim. I felt like the consultant and FMU midwife were happier to be relatively supportive of my homebirth plans because they knew I'd have Jo supporting me... she is a very experienced homebirth midwife (with many years of supporting hospital and homebirths on the NHS before that) and especially experienced in 'high risk' homebirths, which very few, if any NHS midwives are. I am not relying on 'luck of the draw' to get someone experienced when I go into labour... I have chosen a midwife I trust whom I know will be there for me when I need her. I absolutely trust that Starbaby and I are in the best hands and if Jo feels there's any reason at all we might need a bit of extra support in hospital, I will trust her opinion totally.

I have done a lot of research and a lot of soul searching, and this feels right, right now. I know it wouldn't be right for everyone, but everyone is not me. As a second time vaginal birther with a previous homebirth under my belt there are so so many reasons my baby and I are safer at home, and if there is any concern whatsoever, we have hospital as our 'backup plan'. If I end up in hospital, it will be my choice, and it will be for the right reasons. I am back in tune with my instincts, and learning to trust them again, like I did with Big Sis.

When we turned down dates-based induction with Big Sis, it was a very tough decision. I am proud that I made that decision, proud that I was not pushed into something and didn't do something just because it was 'the done thing' and made an educated choice having done my own research... but it was not easy. I didn't write much about the heartache I had at that time deciding what was the right path for us. Daddy was a great support then as he totally believed it was the right thing for us to do, but it's hard to go against the norm, even if it is the right thing to do. I was already in a small minority of mums planning a homebirth for a first baby - I'd hazard a guess at about 1 in 100, if that - and then considering that only a very very small number of people decline dates-based induction... well, as with now, I was in a very very very small minority. I am a fairly confident person in terms of my decision making and knowledge, but that doesn't meant here weren't a few worries and doubts in there. Turning down induction felt like absolutely the right thing to be doing, but of course there was a tiny voice in my head saying "What if something goes wrong? What if I regret this forever?" But it was the right thing to do. And of course, it was not like I was choosing between a 'no risk' and a 'small risk' scenario... there are significant risks to induction to (hence my decision) and I knew that if I chose induction there was always the small chance that one day I would be saying "Why didn't I listen to my instincts?" after something went terribly wrong.

I have to take the same approach this time... not just 'go with the crowd' because 'that's the way everyone does it'. Just because something is done a certain way doesn't mean it's the right way, or the right way for everyone. I have to make my own choices, think through things carefully, go back to basics, and most of all, keep that trust in my baby and body that we can do this.

It's not going to be an easy 8 or 9 weeks, I know. I will need a lot of hand holding, support and reassuring words. I'm sure I will doubt myself at times along the way. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road. But we have overcome so many bumps, both in Big Sis's pregnancy and in Starbaby's, and we can get through this, my little boy, my little girl, my big boy and I. Despite the challenges Starbaby's pregnancy has brought, planning for him to be born at home still feels like absolutely the right thing to be doing, right now, for us.