Cast #5 is on

Casting Day #5 was hard. A combination of his current foot position and the recent warmer weather has resulted in a pretty sore leg and foot for our precious Starbaby.

It broke my heart to hold him sobbing as they put his new cast on. Feeling very sad that my wonderful boy has to go through so much just to get something that almost everyone else (understandably) takes for granted.

Apparently it looks like he'll have about 6 more weeks in casts before moving into the 'Boots and Bars' foot brace (a special boot on each foot, joined by a metal bar) which will be part of his life until he is 5 years old.

Lots of cuddles for my lovely boy this afternoon... I think we both need them.

Other than being poorly-sore, his right foot is looking amazing! What a change from before his first cast only 4 weeks ago.

3 casts down... how many to go?

Casting Day #4 for Starbaby was on Tuesday.

His lovely little right foot is still progressing well and bathtime was a hit once again. I spent a while talking to a lovely mum whose son was about to get his 1st cast on... so good to meet someone going through similar to us. I hope we get to chat again next week.

Starbaby's foot is now a 2.5 after 3 weeks of casts. I'm really impressed, it was so stiff to start with. It started as a 6, went down to a 4 after 1 week, then 3 after another week. Progress is slower now they're bringing his foot up, but I don't think that's a bad thing... it feels better to do something like this gradually without any rushing.

I don't know how much longer we have in casts, but actually I'm in no rush to finish them as I think the BnB stage will be more... intense. Being in casts has been nowhere near as bad as I feared... not bad at all, in fact. Of course, I'd rather his little leg weren't in a cast, but in terms of how it's affected Starbaby day to day... well, apart from not risking as much nappy free time so as to avoid soggy casts, it really hasn't made a difference to his or our lives. I know BnB will be different, though, and I'm not in any rush to get to that stage.

Here's Starbaby's beautiful foot this week. The crease on the bottom of his foot which was so deep to start with has pretty much gone - amazing!

We weighed Starbaby in between casts and he is almost ten pounds now!! That's 4 1/4 lb up on his birth weight of 5lb 11oz and over 2lb gained in the last 20 days alone. After his rocky start he's now doing amazingly!

End of week 2

Here are Starbaby's feet last Tuesday... 8 weeks old and after 2 weeks of casts

3rd Cast on.

This morning Starbaby had his 2nd cast removed. He's been slightly crankier than usual over the past week and after today I think it may be at least partly because he was doing some major growing and it made his casted leg feel a bit uncomfy. As he had grown it was very hard for them to remove it due to there being no gap between his leg and cast. Starbaby was calm to start with (despite having been woken 5 minutes into a sling-nap... again) but a little unimpressed by the end.

Afterwards we gave him his weekly bath which again he loved. We had to be a little quicker this time as there was a baby 2 days younger than Starbaby waiting to have her bath after him, and we also had to fit in seeing the physiotherapist before his new cast went on.

We've been given further exercises to do with his arms, and his paediatrician has referred him to the hand surgeon as she is concerned that he still has very limited movement in his arms and hands. Yet more hospital visits :(

Starbaby's foot is now a 3. It was noticeably more 'normal looking' than last week and a world away from 2 weeks ago. It is now pretty straight but pointing downwards, so the next stage is to stretch it into a normal 'sole downwards' position. I think we'll be visiting the hospital every Tuesday for a fair while to come.

I'm writing this from my phone while Starbaby sleeps on my chest in the ring sling, so can't upload this week's photos yet but I'll try to get them online soon.

Week 1 change

Here are 2 photos which show the change in Starbaby's feet during his first week in casts. Amazing!

The first photo was taken just before his first cast went on, and the second was taken between casts yesterday.

First cast changeover

Starbaby is now in cast #2.

Poor little chap had literally just fallen asleep in the sling when we were called in to have his cast removed so was a little unimpressed at being woken, but despite that he was calm quickly and put up fine with the rather scary-looking cast-cutting-scissors chopping his cast off.

After it was off (so lovely to see his leg and foot, although his foot looked quite unfamiliar) we were shown to the bathing room. It was wonderful to give Starbaby his first bath in 8 days and my little waterbaby loved it.

I even caught the tail end of a smile on camera!

The skin on his foot was a little peely after not seeing daylight for a week so I gently rubbed off the loose skin in the water and once he was out I put olive oil on his foot and leg to moisturise it.

Here are Daddy, Starbaby. Big Sis and 'Baby Sophie' chilling in the hospital bathing room before we we went back to have his new cast put on.

His foot was graded a 4, already a great improvement on the 6 (worst possible score) of last week.

He was very very tired by the time the cast was being put on (having had just 2 minutes of sleep in 2.5 hours) so cried a bit. They needed his leg still so despite not getting a positive reaction last week when I said I would like to breastfeed him during casting (in the end he was calm and happy so didn't need it anyway), today I sat right up against the 'bed' and decided to try. Starbaby lay angled towards me, turned his head and latched on... and was instantly calm. I think the physios quickly realised that breastfeeding was a fab way to keep him calm so they could manipulate his leg as they needed to. And Starbaby fell asleep! Have I mentioned that breastfeeding rocks?! ;)

His new cast is bent more at the leg than last week. His foot is set straight this week so apparently there's more of a chance it may slip so we need to keep a close eye on his little toes.

Feet update pics to follow soon!

Here is Starbaby...

... modelling his starry 'babyleg' cast cover a couple of days ago.

Today's is rainbow stripes... definitely jazzes up a plain white cast.

And so far... no poo-splosions in the leg area!

We're growth spurting at the moment so Starbaby is waking (and feeding) a fair bit at night, but his cast doesn't seem to have changed his behaviour in the slightest. I'm so relieved... and actually feel a little silly for worrying so much beforehand. But I only worried because I love him so much and just want him to be happy.

I'm really looking forward to when he has his cast changed on Tuesday and seeing how his little foot has changed.

Babylegs

The plaster of Starbaby's casts is quite crumbly and dusty, so I have put a 'babyleg' over it . They're baby legwarmers, and you can get a pair from china on ebay for barely over a pound... and they come in some fairly funky patterns! It's quite long as he's still small (7lb 12oz in his casts today) but that worked well as it meant they kept his little toes warm yesterday, when they were made cold by the drying-out plaster.

I've put the top of the babyleg right over the top of his cast+padding, so that if we have any poo-slosions, they should bear the brunt of the leakage, leaving the cast poo-free. That's the theory, anyway!

First Night

Amazingly, my little boy seems to be taking having one of his legs in a plaster cast totally in his stride. Yes, he's cranky sometimes... but he was cranky before the cast went on, so no change there! Last night he woke several times... more than normal... but that could easily have as much to do with him being in prime growth spurt territory as the cast. Thankfully feeding lying down is no different to before his cast went on, and he doesn't seem uncomfy when lying down.

I was worried the cast would affect the movement in his right leg a lot, but other than obviously not being able to bend it, he can lift it up easily and still give really hefty kicks with it. He can also move his hip just as before, which means he can still easily 'sit' on my lap leaning against my bent legs, something I wondered if we might not be able to do.

I was so worried about Starbaby going into casts, but have been amazed at how ok he has been about it, and how quickly him having one 'solid leg' has become something I barely bat an eyelid at.

First cast is on

Our journey has begun. Starbaby's first cast is on, and he is currently fast asleep in our wonderful wrapsody bali stretch wrap. Considering my biggest worry about him going into casts was whether or not he could still sleep comfortably in the sling, I am pretty happy!

Our hospital visit was an emotional one for me - I was so worried about Starbaby being upset during casting, and also had memories of his birth triggered by seeing the white and blue hospital towels on the casting 'bed' - but the most important person in all this, our little Starbaby, took it all in his stride. I was amazed - this is the baby who screams through almost every nappy change and is very unsettled a lot of the time. He had a good breastfeed, then lay on the casting bed, propped up with a pillow and held by my arms, and gazed around the room in fascination as one consultant and three nurses got to work casting his leg. I am SO proud of him.

The cast is fairly substantial, but not as bulky as I imagined. The weird thing... which may sound obvious... is how hard it is! It's very bizarre having a little chap with one soft, kicky leg, and one fairly still, solid one. I bet I will get used to it quickly, though.

I am so so happy that he can still go in the sling comfortably... it's going to make this process much less disruptive for us all. The ring sling may not be quite as easy as before, as the material under his bottom/the top of his cast felt like it might slip out more easily, but using the stretchy wrap has so far been identical to before. I have made sure that the material which goes over his bottom and upper leg is stretched as widely as possible towards his knee so the upper part of his cast is well supported. As he's a little chap, his leg still sits nicely around my side and so far isn't in the way at all. I know it may be a bit different a couple of months from now... but by that time we'll be talipes babywearing pros. ;)

Haven't taken any photos of Starbaby's cast yet, as he's been snuggled up in the sling since we got back from the hospital, but here's our first talipes babywearing photo. His casted leg is his right one - you can barely notice a difference when he's in a babygrow!

Eve of Casts

Our last castless day has been spent snuggled in bed all morning (big sis was at nursery today), and with Starbaby snuggled in the sling whenever he was asleep (most of the afternoon and early evening today). Big Sis, Starbaby and I also had a wonderful bath all together later in the afternoon once she was home. Starbaby really loves being in the bath - so sad that he's going to miss out on baths at home for the next few months. Once he's out of casts I can see us bathing together pretty much every day!

He's asleep on my chest in the ring sling now... tonight I am going to snuggle him close, especially his gorgeous little right leg - I'm going to miss seeing it, and his gorgeous little 'curved foot' as Big Sis calls it. I'm going to say I'd like to breastfeed him while they're casting tomorrow... it would make it much easier for them since if he's screaming he'll be thrashing his legs around, and the only thing that successfully calms him when he's not happy is breastfeeding. Found a picture of a mum breastfeeding during casting in one of the official ponseti leaflets so hopefully should work ok, even if I do get covered in plaster!

This time tomorrow we'll be home from the hospital and probably trying to figure out a way to get him comfy in one of the slings...

It's not been easy to get a photo of Starbaby's feet as he kicks them so much... but I have finally managed! Here are a couple of 'before' photos:

Starbaby is here!

There's so much I need to write in here. And so little time! So I have decided, rather than waiting for that pipe dream of having enough time to write everything I want to, I'm just going to plunge in and get going. I can always add in entries in the future.

Starbaby was born on 20th March 2013 at 39+3, 11 days after his big sister's 3rd birthday. Far from the calm home water birth we had planned, I ended up having a very much unwanted but needed caesarean in the wee hours of his birthday. Over the previous day his movements had slowed and I felt like something wasn't right. On the doppler, his heartbeat was faster than usual, and I heard a couple of decelerations. My midwife and I went to hospital, hoping that I'd have a CTG which showed everything was OK and he was just having a sleepy day. Unfortunately the opposite happened... the CTG showed, without a doubt, that he was in distress and needed to be out immediately. Daddy and BigSis rushed in from home in the middle of the night, I was taken into theatre and Starbaby was born at 2.23am weighing 5lb 11oz. He was covered in thick meconium and very floppy. We got him out just in time.

After a few hours of skin to skin and breastfeeding, he was taken to NICU due to his blood sugars being dangerously low and him being so floppy. The week he spent there was the hardest week of my life... being separated from my little boy was so horrendous words cannot describe it. We both came home on 27th March.

Here he in NICU at 4 days old... lots of breastfeeding and skin to skin helped his stay there be as short as possible.

Starbaby has unilateral talipes in his right foot and muscle weakness/problems in his left foot, both hands and left arm/shoulder. We don't know the long term prognosis for sure, but we're hopeful that he should have fairly normal movement in his limbs when he is older.

It is obviously a relief that Starbaby doesn't appear to have any serious medical conditions - we knew there was a good chance he would, and compared to many things, talipes is cope-able with. Still, the treatment he requires seems daunting right now. I hope in a few months I will barely be batting an eyelid about putting on his boots and bars, but at the moment... I just wish my gorgeous, tiny, squishy little boy didn't have to go through weeks of plaster casts and years of boots and bars  in order to be able to walk.

Our little Starbaby gets his first cast on this coming Tuesday...

35 weeks 5 days

Nearly 36 weeks and starting to get ready and excited about giving birth again! Have suddenly been able to picture Starbaby actually being here which has given me such a boost. Loving finally feeling positive after all the tough times before and during this pregnancy.

Just had a good ol' hormonal cry over some of the tracks I've chosen for my birth-playlist! Jo (midwife) is coming again this afternoon, Starbaby has been nice and wiggly and is definitely growing, wet-run with the pool planned for the weekend and I'm listening to my natal hypno CD a few times a week and re-reading Active Birth.

Bring it on!!

Soul Searching

I didn't feel great yesterday, as tends to be the case after scans with Starbaby. I overanalyse the measurements, plot graphs, google, think far too much about the negatives and get pulled into a pessimistic mindset rather than looking at the many positives, staying tuned in to my instincts and listening to them. I'm already starting to feel better today. I was dwelling on Starbaby's tiny tummy measurement (it came up around 1st centile)... instead of focusing on the important thing which was that his cord blood flow was fab (and also remembering how inaccurate later scans are anyway). If he was small and there was a reduction in blood flow or reverse flow then that would be a concern, but the fact that his cord blood flow has always been good, and he's never measured huge (although yesterday's tummy measurement was low even compared to his previous ones) implies that this is just normal growth for him. I know from Big Sis that I don't grow big babies (7.5lb at 42.5w).

I have been very impressed with the consultant I see. When I say that she was 'supportive' of our homebirth plans, I don't necessarily mean that she was 'jumping about in joy', but she was totally of the belief that it was my choice and definitely seemed to see I was making this choice for the right reasons. There was no 'scare tactics' or negativity, just the understanding I was making an informed decision and support for my choice. At no time did she even imply it wasn't a safe choice. She said they usually recommend people who've been seen in the fetal medicine unit give birth in the hospital, but in the next breath she was saying that was a 'one size fits all' type recommendation and not because everyone who's had appointments there needs to have their baby in hospital - just so 'just in case' they had easy access to a paedeatrician afterwards. If we feel there any need for us to be in hospital, we will transfer in - we're barely 10 minutes away in an ambulance.

Homebirth is definitely a very unusual choice for people who've been seen at the fetal medicine unit... when you consider only about 1 in 50 people plan a homebirth and only about 1 in 50 people have issues picked up at their 20 week scans, we're talking only 1 in 2500 people they see might even think about having a homebirth. So a pretty tiny number and I am probably the first in a long long time. I hate that I'm planning another homebirth 'against the norm' - I was hoping this pregnancy things would be smooth and easy and enjoyable and there'd not even be any discussion as to whether home was 'best' for our baby's birth - but I feel that I am making this choice for the right reasons. Starbaby is at the centre of my thoughts all the time. I feel that I am doing the sensible thing... planning to stay in an environment where I will be calm and comfortable (and therefore my baby is more likely to be too) if everything is looking fine, and moving to hospital if there are any concerns whatsoever. I don't want to go into Starbaby's birth thinking only about 'worst case scenarios' because... well, it's that sort of mindset that can lead to problems and the odds of ending up in a worst case scenario are still very very slim. I felt like the consultant and FMU midwife were happier to be relatively supportive of my homebirth plans because they knew I'd have Jo supporting me... she is a very experienced homebirth midwife (with many years of supporting hospital and homebirths on the NHS before that) and especially experienced in 'high risk' homebirths, which very few, if any NHS midwives are. I am not relying on 'luck of the draw' to get someone experienced when I go into labour... I have chosen a midwife I trust whom I know will be there for me when I need her. I absolutely trust that Starbaby and I are in the best hands and if Jo feels there's any reason at all we might need a bit of extra support in hospital, I will trust her opinion totally.

I have done a lot of research and a lot of soul searching, and this feels right, right now. I know it wouldn't be right for everyone, but everyone is not me. As a second time vaginal birther with a previous homebirth under my belt there are so so many reasons my baby and I are safer at home, and if there is any concern whatsoever, we have hospital as our 'backup plan'. If I end up in hospital, it will be my choice, and it will be for the right reasons. I am back in tune with my instincts, and learning to trust them again, like I did with Big Sis.

When we turned down dates-based induction with Big Sis, it was a very tough decision. I am proud that I made that decision, proud that I was not pushed into something and didn't do something just because it was 'the done thing' and made an educated choice having done my own research... but it was not easy. I didn't write much about the heartache I had at that time deciding what was the right path for us. Daddy was a great support then as he totally believed it was the right thing for us to do, but it's hard to go against the norm, even if it is the right thing to do. I was already in a small minority of mums planning a homebirth for a first baby - I'd hazard a guess at about 1 in 100, if that - and then considering that only a very very small number of people decline dates-based induction... well, as with now, I was in a very very very small minority. I am a fairly confident person in terms of my decision making and knowledge, but that doesn't meant here weren't a few worries and doubts in there. Turning down induction felt like absolutely the right thing to be doing, but of course there was a tiny voice in my head saying "What if something goes wrong? What if I regret this forever?" But it was the right thing to do. And of course, it was not like I was choosing between a 'no risk' and a 'small risk' scenario... there are significant risks to induction to (hence my decision) and I knew that if I chose induction there was always the small chance that one day I would be saying "Why didn't I listen to my instincts?" after something went terribly wrong.

I have to take the same approach this time... not just 'go with the crowd' because 'that's the way everyone does it'. Just because something is done a certain way doesn't mean it's the right way, or the right way for everyone. I have to make my own choices, think through things carefully, go back to basics, and most of all, keep that trust in my baby and body that we can do this.

It's not going to be an easy 8 or 9 weeks, I know. I will need a lot of hand holding, support and reassuring words. I'm sure I will doubt myself at times along the way. I'm sure there will be bumps in the road. But we have overcome so many bumps, both in Big Sis's pregnancy and in Starbaby's, and we can get through this, my little boy, my little girl, my big boy and I. Despite the challenges Starbaby's pregnancy has brought, planning for him to be born at home still feels like absolutely the right thing to be doing, right now, for us.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we have what I hope is going to be our last scan with Starbaby (hoping, though not holding my breath).

By this stage, 33 weeks, measurements are really quite inaccurate (apparently +/- 3 weeks) so I'm going to take them with a pinch of salt. I would love it to go smoothly and not be given any more things to worry about.

I've now officially gained more this pregnancy than Big Sis weighs! She and I had a wonderfully chilled day today, and this afternoon weighed her on the wii fit board (2 stone 2lb) and me (10 stone 4lb... a gain of 2 stone 3lb) - impressive! I certainly don't look like I've gained that much... I feel like I'm 'all bump' and whilst my tummy is a good size, it isn't especially enormous.

I think Starbaby was breech earlier... very obvious hiccups above my tummy button (I'm pretty sure whenI feel his hiccups right on my pubic bone, he's head down). But I may have just felt a kick in the ribs. Then again, it could be a very strong hand or elbow. He changes position a lot and although I'm fairly aware of where he is, sometimes it's hard to keep track.

I love you my little boy. I hope our scan tomorrow goes smoothly.

Feeling Good

Just wanted to record that right now, I'm feeling pretty good. And positive. I think it's due in no small part to the fact that Starbaby has been SO active for the past week... kicking and squirming all over the place. Reminds me that he's my strong little boy and he will cope with whatever is thrown at home.

I'm now just over 32 weeks pregnant... probably 10ish weeks until my son is here!

Current plan... aim for homebirth with a low transfer threshold. I'm feeling fairly relaxed about it. I'm glad we have Jo (independent midwife) to support us.

New Approach

I've had a bit of a 'revelation' this evening... I am very much of the school of thought of enjoying pregnancy right from the word go, getting excited, thinking of baby as a BABY from the start etc etc i.e. not thinking "I might have a miscarriage so I'd better not get too attached." If I had miscarried (as I have done, three times), I'd've been devastated, whether or not I had 'let myself get attached' to that baby.

I feel like I should take the same approach to birth... if I don't have a homebirth, I will feel sad about that whatever the circumstances, whether I have planned my homebirth and got excited about it or tried not to get attached to the idea in case it doesn't work out. So I've decided to plan for Starbaby to be born at home, get in things we need to buy like a new hose and bath thermometer etc etc, do my hypnobirthing preparation, read happy homebirth stories, say out loud that I'm planning a homebirth... I accept there's a chance a homebirth may not happen, but that chance is there for everyone to some degree, and there's no point focusing on that right now. I owe it to my little boy to do everything I can to stay as positive as possible, and I know that homebirth-y things will go a long way in helping me keep up that attitude.

I may as well approach the 3 months until I give birth in the more positive way I can, and hopefully that familiarity of planning a homebirth will be a comfort and reassurance, too. :)

Better Scan

Our 26 week scan on 18th December brought better news than our 24 week one. We saw the consultant we saw at 20 weeks, whom I much prefer to the 'doom and gloom-er' we saw at 24 weeks. She talked through everything she saw during the scan, listened carefully to me and gave us the information we asked for.

Starbaby's measurements, by my dates (which she accepted were probably the most reliable) are looking much much better.... more like 25th centile (or more) than the 5th centile they were coming up as 2 weeks before. The consultant said they were averaging at about 25 weeks and 6 days... and on the day of our scan I was 26 weeks and 1 or 2 days pregnant - 4 days behind average is of no concern at all! We will still be kept a close eye on, but if more scans show his measurements are just 'small side of normal' there's no way he classes as IUGR.

His fluid was over 11cm rather than the 7cm of 2 weeks previous... low end of normal but over 5th centile which classes as normal.

The consultant said that generally, if a 2 vessel cord is associated with a major (or even minor) abnormality, there would be a sign of something not being right with the heart or kidneys. Starbaby's are looking perfect so she seemed to think it was very likely to be just a 'variant of the normal'.

She didn't even seem to consider his talipes to be particularly relevant as a marker, since it was unilateral.

Everything she said tied in with the theories I had developed after reading and thinking a lot following our 24 week scan. It was such a relief to be seen by someone with a much more positive outlook. It has given us hope that Starbaby will be born perfectly healthy, just with a slightly wonky left foot.

Feeling more positive. Long may it last. Next scan 3.5 weeks after the last, on 11th January.

Superhero

A fab poem, copied from here.

"Superheroes" 

by Rachel Gessey

As night time fell and it was time to sleep,

She was tucked up in bed, not making a peep,

After a bath and a story, milk and a kiss,

Her adventures in dreamland she didn't want to miss!

On with the first boot, then with the other,

She smiled at her mummy and pulled up the covers,

For Jaime was a special girl who wore boots and a bar,

So she could jump really high and run really far,

So she could hop and skip and dance all day

And be a "superhero in my dreams" she would say.

A superhero? I hear you shout

What's this superhero business about?

You see, every night when she closed her eyes,

She'd dream that her boots made her fly through the skies,

She'd surf on the water and ski on the snow,

And fly higher and higher - to space she would go!!

She'd see mountains and rivers, deserts and trees,

Fly with birds and aeroplanes over the seas....

And as morning approached and she'd stir in her bed,

She'd remember her dreams and what her mummy always said.

"That special girls and boys who wear bedtime shoes

Will grow up big and strong and be whatever they choose..."

So to all you "superheroes" who wear their boots at night,

You are amazing and fantastic, oh and super, that's right!

Welcome to Holland

I have just read an excellent piece of writing, which I wanted to record here so I can look at it in the future. We don't yet know whether Starbaby's 'differences' will be small or large, but this really made me stop and think...

Welcome To Holland 

By Emily Perl Kingsley 

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved .

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous holiday - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.